The candles, the flowers, the drive to the cemetery, the same family stories told again. For many of us, the days around Undas bring the people we’ve lost very close. Sometimes that feels warm. Sometimes the grief comes back as strong as it was in the first year, and you can’t work out why.
If November feels heavier than usual, nothing is wrong with you. Grief around Undas is common, and there are gentle ways to look after yourself while you remember.
Why does grief feel stronger around Undas?
It’s normal for grief to return around Undas. Rest more than usual, keep one small ritual for the person you miss, and let feelings move through the body with slow breathing, walking or gentle bodywork. Be patient with yourself, and reach out for support if the heaviness stays or starts to affect your daily life.
All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day exist for remembering, so it makes sense that grief rises with them. Other things add to it as well. Your body remembers dates, smells and routines tied to the people you’ve lost, even on days you aren’t thinking about them. Family gatherings can comfort you and also bring back old tension, unfinished conversations, or the empty chair at the table.
November is also when the year’s tiredness starts to catch up with many of us, and grief is harder to hold when you’re already running low. And grief comes in waves rather than in a straight line. Feeling it strongly years later doesn’t mean you haven’t healed. Often it means you loved someone deeply.
Small rituals that help on Undas
You don’t need a big ceremony. Small, steady rituals give your feelings somewhere to go. Choose one or two of these:
- Light one candle with intention. Before you light it, say their name out loud or in your head, then take three slow breaths while you watch the flame.
- Write them a short letter about what’s happened this year, what you miss, or what you wish you’d said. You can keep it, burn it safely, or leave it at the grave.
- Cook or share their favourite food. It’s one of the most loving ways Filipino families remember, so let it be a moment of connection rather than a chore.
- Ask a relative for a memory you haven’t heard before. A new story keeps someone present in a way old photos can’t.
- If the cemetery is crowded or far away, take a slow walk in a park or around your neighbourhood instead.
When your body is holding the grief
Many people notice grief in the body before they notice it in their thoughts: a tight chest, heavy shoulders, a lump in the throat, sleep that doesn’t restore you, or a tiredness that rest doesn’t touch. Talking and thinking only go so far with that kind of heaviness. Practices that work with the body may help you soften.
Try breathing in for four counts and out for six. A longer out-breath helps your body come down from high alert. You can also rest one hand on your chest and one on your belly and feel them rise and fall for a minute or two, which tells your body it’s safe right now. Stretching, walking or swaying to music you love lets feelings move instead of getting stuck.
Some people find comfort in spiritual healing practices like Reiki, a Japanese form of energy work where you lie down fully clothed and rest. Many of our clients say it gives them a quiet space to let emotions rise and settle without having to explain them.
Whatever you choose, keep it gentle. You don’t have to fix your grief, only give it some room.
When to reach out for support
Rituals and rest can help, but grief sometimes needs more than self-care. Please reach out to a doctor, counsellor or grief support group if:
- the heaviness doesn’t lift for weeks, or keeps getting deeper
- you’re struggling to eat, sleep, work or care for yourself
- you feel numb, hopeless or disconnected from everyone around you
- you have thoughts of harming yourself
If you’re in the Philippines and need to talk to someone now, the National Center for Mental Health crisis hotline is available 24/7 at 1553 (landline, toll-free) or 0917-899-8727.
Asking for help is a way of caring for yourself, the way the person you miss would want you to.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to feel sad again years later?
Yes. Grief often returns on anniversaries, birthdays and holidays like Undas, even many years later. It’s a sign of how much the person meant to you, and it doesn’t mean you’re stuck. Give yourself permission to feel it, and be gentle with yourself on those days.
Can Reiki help with grief?
Reiki can’t take grief away, and it doesn’t replace grief counselling or medical care. Many people find that a Reiki session gives them an hour to rest, breathe and let emotions move without having to talk them through. Some leave feeling lighter or more settled. It works best alongside the support of people you trust and, where needed, a professional.
What is a soul healing session?
Some people use “soul healing” for spiritual healing sessions that focus on emotional and inner wellbeing rather than a single symptom. The closest thing at Sphaera Lucis is our Energy Wellness Session: an hour of Reiki, crystals and the soft sound of tuning forks while you rest, followed by a short talk about anything that came up.
If you’d like a quiet hour to rest before or after Undas, our Energy Wellness Session is open in our Makati studio or online.
Energy work complements medical and psychological care; it doesn’t replace it.
About the author
Aileen Javier, CCH, ACP, RMT, MCMA is the founder of Sphaera Lucis. She is a Reiki Master-Teacher in Usui Shiki Ryoho and Angelic Reiki, a Certified Advanced Crystal Practitioner and a certified meditation and breathwork teacher, trained in the USA, the UK and Portugal. She has offered energy healing since 2020 and opened the Sphaera Lucis studio in Makati in 2023. More about Aileen.